Pretty much everything I need to get me where I want to be, from my house sale on down, has just refused to cooperate, leaving me — more often than not — just spinning my wheels. It has felt so unfair, and really, what reason could there be for keeping me from my happiness? I think about that.
But then, it seems like everyone I know is in upheaval, too. Is there something going around? Some friends have been struggling with their kids or spouses. Others are completely rethinking jobs and careers, or are about to lose them, and hell, even my dog has been diagnosed with a disease.
I try to remind myself in this angsty ebb and flow that time is a teacher. And my job is to open myself enough that the lesson can sink in. Even, I think, if I am not quite sure what it is. I tell myself it can’t stay this rough forever.
I am also feeling the melancholy that comes with the end of summer, a deep seasonal yearning for something I can’t name. Add it all up and it is an emotional one-two punch.
My co-blogger Mindy suggested I try seeing things from another perspective and what she said struck me. Instead of feeling like life is falling apart, why not see it as the deconstruction needed so it can fall into place?
“It’s a sure sign that you’re moving in the right direction,’’ she said. “You have to tear everything down so you have a clean slate on which to build.”
That thought buoys me when I am frustrated at how little control I have of my circumstances. I remind myself that things do happen in their own time, and not my time … for their own reasons, and not mine. And that the pieces will all come together eventually.
I am grateful for how many good things I do have going on, and how many people are in my corner. I know I am lucky to be so loved.
So, if I can just hang on a little longer I know I will get to that personal place I am seeking that is meant to bring me joy. And there, angst like this will be long forgotten.