Several months ago, in a local retail store in search of the perfect “hang on – there’s a miracle coming” card for a worry-worn friend, I rotated the store’s standing display to find a column of “you can do it, girl” magnets. My soul wanted one. And so very soon, after painstaking consideration, I was the proud owner of “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”– a 3-inch-by-3-inch hot-pink-on-black magic square that promptly found a home on a vacant space on my freezer door.
It taunted me from for months from its chilly white perch, which is of course why I had bought it. At first, I would be startled to see it, as though brought back to Earth from a distracted daydream. Always, it made me squirm, because it seemed that I was indeed waiting for … what? That pink-and-black question gnawed at the back of my psyche: What aren’t you doing?!? Get moving, dammit!
I noticed it again yesterday, and smiled. It has lost its power to challenge, to bring me up short. Slowly, I have found my voice. I realized that I could move before I knew where I was going. I found something new that made me say “yes” without a moment’s thought or hesitation. Something scared me, but I did it anyway.
I’m not entirely sure what triggered this momentous shift. But gradually, steadily, the rivulets of bad decisions and good therapists, unhealthy relationships and unspoken objections, moments of self-doubt and self-affirmation – all merged into a rushing river that buoyed me, carrying me along into a new normal. In this re-discovered place, I speak up for what I need. My heart says, “Yes!” all the time. I reach out and find a friendly fellow traveler, wrap my verbal gut reaction in wry humor and am met with the priceless gift of spontaneous laughter. I reserve judgment. I recognize the vortex and step away. I scale the wall, and I am free.
In this season of transitions, I leave behind a long and difficult phase of my life and step out onto a new stage. Still ahead are goals and challenges to be met and conquered: to make a living in a way that allows me live more fully, to calm my mind and re-learn how to sleep, to find a partner. But I think I finally have the essentials under control. The rest will come.