FLOW, going with the

FLOWLately, I have had a love/hate relationship with the word submit, which I can tell you, as a writer of 25 years, has not been allowed into my personal vocabulary much.

Yes, I submit to my editor every time I hit “send” on a story, yet in my own life I have been unwilling to give over control.

The very nature of the definition is cause for chills to someone not wired, as Webster says, to yield or surrender to the will or authority of another. Especially not for someone who is personally and publicly defined as competitive, strong-willed, independent, driven, and resourceful.

Stubborn might have a place in there too, but I’m not going to be the one to say that. For the most part, though, they are all good words defining someone who gets the job done. So, isn’t submission really another word for weak?

Well, I used to think so, but as the months have passed I have come to learn that things aren’t always as they seem. Some self-discovery has dawned gently in warm, fuzzy “aha” moments. Other realizations have snuck up like raiders in the night swinging two-by-fours.

What I know about myself is this: In the past, I steamrolled forward to get results, a byproduct of my profession and my personality. Decades of my life have been spent in virtual exhaustion – achieving, handling, controlling, and pushing ever forward.

It reminds me of that old joke, “I just flew in from Denver, and boy, are my arms tired!”

Recently, I began to let go of the control, realizing through a series of personal changes that the only thing I can control is me. I have found, over time, that no amount of pushing and handling can make all things go my way or bring about desired ends, so why waste the energy?

The fact is – to me at least – a lot of life is out of human control. You can reach for God, or the universe, or something else that makes sense to you, to adjust and accept this odd state of being.

I am finding the act of letting go to be strangely comforting. You mean, I don’t have to make things perfect? I don’t have to fix every relationship and solve every problem? Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner?

I am sitting back more and trusting that what is meant to come to me will, in its own time. It feels nebulous, frustrating, scary, exciting and sad, all at once.

This doesn’t mean that I’m not trying, or charting my own path. But it is freeing me up to actually enjoy my life in the day-to-day, and live it like I mean it.


About Michele

I am a freelance writer with three kids, two cats, and a dog with thyroid disease. I'm bouncing back from a divorce and making the most of every day. There is so much beauty around me. I am grateful!
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4 Responses to FLOW, going with the

  1. danimalj3666 says:

    “inque tuo sedisti, Sisyphe, saxo”

    Sometimes I believe that life is just a “Sisyphean challenge”. Everyday we strive to push the rock to the top of our own personal mountain, only to have it roll back down to the beginning. Then there are the moments, just like in the myth, where something so beautiful, so wonderful happens and we pause in our efforts and live for that instant. I exist for these opportunities.

    It is hubris that makes us push that rock each and every day and it will be to some degree hubris that makes you rise up again and resist the urge to submit. Be joyful, though, when you are offered the moment of clarity and you sit in the sunshine that peaks through the clouds.

    • Michele says:

      Thank you for chiming in, danimalj3666. It’s nice to see you here. I exist for those opportunities, as well. But I am finding that rather than running in circles trying to make it happen, those wonderful moments are, at times, finding me.

  2. mmm61 says:

    Vulnerability is another one of those words. It sounds like weakness, but from it comes true intimacy and creativity and courage. Being open, letting go – hard stuff. But so good for us.

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