That was a good segue to this complex and ever-interesting inward journey of mine and I wondered how it would be possible to settle on just one thought to describe it.
Backing up, I have been in flux since last summer when a jolt of self-awareness blew open this quest for my best life.
It was a wow moment, as big emotional earthquakes are, that also filled me with joy. Sometimes you reach midlife wondering where life went. My realization proved that it’s still right here.
We are programmed as adults to slog through our days without a thought for ourselves. It’s ingrained in the sense of responsibility passed on by our parents and theirs. You put everyone’s needs before your own, because, well, it’s what people do, right?
I remember lying awake as a girl, charting my hopes and dreams into the life I wanted. I have happily reached some of them, but others are like precious flowers trying to survive without water.
Then came the hammer-blow that opened my eyes and ears to the long-ignored voice within that still whispers … what about me?
I had actually made a pledge a while ago to live life like I mean it, and the epiphany last summer certainly enhanced it. As do the deaths of three old friends this week. Is there really a moment to waste?
Which brings me back to my word. I’m still deciding.
But I am thinking about FAITH, maybe, to remind me that my dreams can be achieved. Or FRIENDS, perhaps, to help sustain my quest and belief in myself.
FAMILY, of course, signifies the ties that bind, and even FULFILLED looks ahead with confidence to the future I envision as mine.
Maybe FORWARD, though, is the most appropriate, as I move one foot in front of the other, step by step, into the unknown.
Yes, it’s harder in winter to sustain the joy I felt last summer. The day-to-day creeps back in with each bill to pay and appointment to keep. The dog always needs to be walked. And just when I feel on top of my game? Life throws in an ambush to keep me humble.
I’m not an either-or person, though, as I told a friend the other day, and I hope to blend some of the old with the new to sustain my life’s momentum. I’m determined, too, to hang on to my beautiful summer moment, and experience more like it as time goes along.
Because while it was fleeting, as so many important things are, it was also life-changing. And that’s what this effort is all about and what eventually will keep me moving forward.