be·lief [bih-leef] — confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof;faith; trust
Karma’s a bitch.
I was reminded of this more than once today, and it gave me hope. Not that the people who make me crazy would end up eating cat food from their cozy corner alley boxes, but that the people I love who have struggled and suffered and paid their dues over and over again would, at the end of the tunnel, emerge stronger, better, happier and more fulfilled for having had the experience.
I believe many things that make a lot of folks roll their eyes. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that what goes ‘round, comes ‘round. I believe that everything will work out just fine, and every cloud has a silver lining. I believe many of these things because I’ve seen evidence of them, which, I suspect, makes them not beliefs, but thoughts, carefully documented natural phenomenon that support, not defy, logic.
Last week, I sat on the couch in the office of a counselor friend, who looked at me and asked, “Do you believe? Do you truly believe that this will work out the way you want it to?” I hesitated, then roused myself for a semi-forced, “Yes, I do.” Walking back to my car, though, I realized, nah, I think it, but I don’t believe it. This is a flaw of mine: that my brain gets far more exercise than my heart. For the moment, let’s ignore the reasons why this is and focus on how it impinges on my life.
First, it keeps me awake at night. This is an old story, not worth retelling, but I can think myself into a near-panic over the least little thing, as long as it’s 2:30 in the morning. Second, I can argue myself out of just about anything without ever taking time to let my instincts kick in. Third, it has made trust mostly an elusive luxury in my life. I recently realized that there are very few people whom I trust, myself frequently included.
“I want you to spend some time,” my friend said as I sat there on the divan, “focusing on the concept of trust.” And so I have tried this last week to steer my brain into thinking about trust: I Googled it, I brainstormed elements of trust to study, but my feeble attempts withered. Of course. Trust isn’t something you think about, it’s something intuitive that you know in your heart and your gut and your bones – not in your head. You come at trust – or to trust – from a far different place.
And after all that thinking, I came to “trust” just now by sitting down and writing about the karma evident in this day. Trust was the last thing on my mind. But here I am, right where I wanted to be.
Now I believe.